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10th January 2004

9:09pm: *taps my finger against my chin*

I think I just gave Tom -another- reason to hate me.

I've come to the realization that I'm a "transitional" friend. That people meet me, and we become fantastic friends, and I think everything is perfect. And then they meet some other friend of mine, and we all are a big group, and I think everything is even *more* perfect. But then they and my other friend are like, "we're enough for each other, she's annoying and dramatic, and has way too many issues for us to deal with. Let's just give her the boot." So they live on happily ever after with each other, and I'm left out in the cold....again. Hmm...


Well, as each chapter of my life comes to its close, I also close the journal that went with it.

*takes a prolonged bow*

Goodbye broadwaypunk...you have been good to me...but alas, I will be posting in you no more.



And one last post of lyrics, just revealing how I feel about my life. Ever going forward...but no idea where I am.



No moon, no wind, nothing to spy things by
No wave, no swell, no line where sea meets sky
Stillness, darkness, can't see a thing, says I
No reflection, not a shadow, not a glint of light meets the eye
And we go sailing, sailing, ever westward on the sea
We go sailing, sailing, ever on go we
Current Mood: crushed
6:45pm: I haven't cried this hard in a long time.



I wanna go home.
Current Mood: uncomfortable
4:56pm: *dances around and does the 'Kelli's moving out so I have no friends' dance*


*shrug* Shmeh.

lol. Maybe I'll go to Sarah's party tonight. Maybe not. We'll see.

I'm really sore and weak...I don't know why.

I told my dad about my "University of Texas" plan. He was shocked, but proud that I have a plan. It's a scary though. >_<

I've finally gotten my computer back - woooooo!

Well, I need to dry my hair and all that good stuff.

Adios!
Current Mood: listless

9th January 2004

4:22pm: Erica - if you just want to head over to my place at 9, we can chill out while I clean up my room and then decide what we're doing from there. ^_^

That's to anyone who will be joining us tonight as well.

Ciao!
10:43am: This is an e-mail from Alex that he sent me on my 16th birthday.

"Well here it is. My gift to you.

Throughout my ordeal you have been there,
With a smile, a joke, and loving care.
Sometimes you've been my reason for life
When the cruelty of the world gives me strife.
You have this magic that only you possess
To keep things bright when its all a mess.
You have a song that rings out love
I know your sent from up above.
Maybe its fate that we are bonded by blood
Through the mesh of our world's people flood
God chose to make sure that we would be friends
Through thick and thing, to the joyous end.
I can only hope I can be there for you
In the times that you will need me too.
I cry tears of joy at the thought of us two
Fighting the world and still going cool.
The feeling of love and hope radiates from us
When we are together, joy is a must.
For the bond that we have can defeat every foe
We laugh at fear, disaster, and woe.
You are like an angel that I cannot resist
Even as I write, its you that I miss.
One day we'll have the world as a stage
And the book of our lives will turn a new page.
You are the glue that makes me complete
And heaven awaits you, reserved you a seat.
But I know that piece of heaven is you
And I bet the angels up there know it too.
For the heavens sweet choirs will just have to wait,
You're here now, and that just makes my life great.

Happy birthday Mandy, and may there be many more.

Your Friend Forever,
Alex."



Alex...this poem describes everything you are to me. thank you...I love you.

8th January 2004

11:00pm:
I see the picture clear now, and the fog has lifted.
The wool you tried to pull over my eyes was clever.
Yeah your gifted.
But you forgot to dot some I's, and cross some T's along the way.
I'm better now despite you baby.
I'm stronger these days.
Stronger.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

I can look in the mirror now.
It's been a slow awakening.
Haunted by a heart full of you, could'nt help mistaking.
That you could ever care for anyone.
Anyone but yourself.
But you would have to have a conscious baby.
Good luck I wish you well.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

This heart has been torn in two.
Cut and bruised.
With too many bitter endings.
I'll be damned if I have thoughts of you rain on my new beginning.


I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.
3:46pm: I'm posting this in my journal to make sure she reads it:


ERICA!


We NEEEEEED to talk. Like - NEED to. I get off of rehearsal at 8:30. I know you get off work at 9:30. WE NEED TO TALK!

Plus you can do your homework! I NEED A MASSAGE!

hehe

WE NEED TO TALK!
Current Mood: anxious
12:59pm: My cat is addicted to Josh Groban. lol



Through the darkness I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done you're still you
After all you're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all you're still you

I look up to everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you although you never asked me to
I will remember you and what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all you're still you
Current Mood: apathetic

7th January 2004

8:52pm: *points to the post time*



And I'm going to bed.
12:51am: It does not sit well with me when people judge me before they even meet me. But it makes me wonder where this "wonderful" judgement came from...considering...


Never mind. I'm in a bad mood now.





I love you Erica. Thank you.
Current Mood: annoyed

6th January 2004

11:37pm: Uhm.....yeah.....I really need to update, but there's too much to say, that I really want to type out.



Well...I better.


School started monday - it didn't even feel like I left. *shrug* I guess that's how it goes. I'm sore from ballet and tap though...boo on that.

I just remembered I need to fix my purse.

ANYWAY

So yeah - Shannon blew me off twice, and then tried to pull the whole "hey - I wanna see you, but I don't wanna be around people." Please. He just really hurt my feelings.

So Ian and I have been talking a lot over break, but I didn't think anything of it, because I was goo-goo over Shannon. (You guys remember Ian, the guy I went on the incredible date with) Well he IMs me the same time Shannon is blowing me off for the second time. Here's the convo! (just remembered I have Log manager..hehe)

Stage4Love (9:38:30 PM): Sooo - you coming to see me?!
NerdAlert6969 (9:38:34 PM): "I love it when ya' do that right, ther."
NerdAlert6969 (9:38:40 PM): of course
Stage4Love (9:38:49 PM): Really?!
NerdAlert6969 (9:39:28 PM): yeah.
NerdAlert6969 (9:39:38 PM): but I'd rather you come here........of course
NerdAlert6969 (9:39:47 PM): my free time is about NIL!
Stage4Love (9:39:58 PM): Well then...when do you want me to come?
NerdAlert6969 (9:40:07 PM): and when I have it, my boss wants me out "networking" even on evenings out
Stage4Love (9:40:15 PM): Cause I do get out of school at 3 tomorrow, and 1 on Tuesday....
Stage4Love (9:40:16 PM): hehehehe
NerdAlert6969 (9:40:51 PM): ha ha
NerdAlert6969 (9:41:10 PM): hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
NerdAlert6969 (9:41:29 PM): i am going to a school board meeting tomorrow night
Stage4Love (9:41:36 PM): school board?!~
Stage4Love (9:41:37 PM): lol
Stage4Love (9:41:42 PM): you have kids now?!
Stage4Love (9:41:43 PM): lol
NerdAlert6969 (9:41:47 PM): and Tuesday, I have some other meeting.
NerdAlert6969 (9:41:53 PM): i can't remember what it is though
Stage4Love (9:41:57 PM): I was just teasing about those days
Stage4Love (9:41:58 PM): hahaha
NerdAlert6969 (9:43:03 PM): lol
NerdAlert6969 (9:43:05 PM): you suck
NerdAlert6969 (9:43:13 PM): just come visit anyway;
Stage4Love (9:43:34 PM): lol - but you have meetings!
Stage4Love (9:43:51 PM): I would go sometime during the week - cause Columbus isn't that far - but you have to be free!
NerdAlert6969 (9:43:52 PM): come earlier.
NerdAlert6969 (9:43:59 PM): sweet.
NerdAlert6969 (9:44:01 PM): hold on a sec
NerdAlert6969 (9:44:10 PM): I'm gonna open up may calendar.....i have to log into work
Stage4Love (9:44:20 PM): okay
Stage4Love (9:47:31 PM): *twiddles my thumbs*
NerdAlert6969 (9:47:35 PM): sorry
NerdAlert6969 (9:47:37 PM): sorry babe
Stage4Love (9:47:41 PM): hehe - it's fine hun
NerdAlert6969 (9:47:59 PM): hey, I was wrong. My meeting is on Wed., not tuesday.
NerdAlert6969 (9:48:10 PM): and I have a soccer game on Friday.
NerdAlert6969 (9:48:21 PM): you could watch me
Stage4Love (9:48:27 PM): Hmmm....
NerdAlert6969 (9:48:33 PM): or thursday is open too.
Stage4Love (9:49:09 PM): I have lab and stuff thursdays, so that wouldn't work
NerdAlert6969 (9:49:23 PM): ok
NerdAlert6969 (9:49:31 PM): i love compromising.
Stage4Love (9:49:37 PM): hehe
Stage4Love (9:49:38 PM): it's fun
NerdAlert6969 (9:49:39 PM): you're so worth it.
Stage4Love (9:49:46 PM): *melts*
Stage4Love (9:49:54 PM): Why can't you live in Dayton!? *pouts*
NerdAlert6969 (9:50:06 PM): awww????
NerdAlert6969 (9:50:30 PM): buy me a scanner with a program that automatically converts text to audio......and I'll be there a lot more often


Well then it turned out I had rehearsal today, so I couldn't go down to see him today. *pouts*

Well then we talk for a bit after rehearsal, and he tells me he's going to call me back.

In the mean time, I sign online and check my e-mail to see a thing from Michael. So I see he's online, and I IM him...and here's this one:

Stage4Love (10:14:28 PM): *poke* Hey punk
Mcpimpbot (10:14:38 PM): hi???
Stage4Love (10:15:07 PM): It's amanda
Mcpimpbot (10:15:16 PM): oh you got my email then???
Stage4Love (10:15:35 PM): just now
Mcpimpbot (10:15:38 PM): whats up with your phone babe
Stage4Love (10:15:49 PM): I rarely check that, so you're lucky. lol
Stage4Love (10:15:57 PM): I've been online?
Mcpimpbot (10:16:05 PM): good for TWO DAYS???
Stage4Love (10:16:19 PM): I've been leaving away messages up - cause no one ever calls the house except telemarketers!
Mcpimpbot (10:16:57 PM): well i have been trying
Stage4Love (10:17:17 PM): sorry! lol - I didn't know!
Mcpimpbot (10:17:17 PM): can you call me or do you not want to get offline???
Mcpimpbot (10:17:33 PM): well now you do know that someone cares enough to call for you ;-)
Stage4Love (10:17:41 PM): not right now, no - I'm talking to like 5 million people
Stage4Love (10:17:55 PM): haha - i suppose so
Mcpimpbot (10:18:16 PM): well i want to talk to you i have been thinking about you
Mcpimpbot (10:19:10 PM): not online this way is sooooo inpersonal i can only talk so much on here i like to hear the reactions and everything they are what tell me what i need to know about the conversation
Stage4Love (10:20:54 PM): Yeah...internet can be good for some conversations, and not others....it just depends. It just sucks for those of us who hate the phone. haha
Mcpimpbot (10:22:51 PM): you hate the phone???
Stage4Love (10:22:56 PM): yup!
Mcpimpbot (10:23:35 PM): sorry i prefer the phone because i can hear the voice and reactions and connect better with the person when i can't be around them to see them face to face
Stage4Love (10:24:23 PM): Oh - I totally understand. I just tend to be a tar tar on the phone. haha - I get distracted too easily.
Stage4Love (10:24:29 PM): But anyways! How was your break!?
Mcpimpbot (10:24:46 PM): long and boring and lonely
Stage4Love (10:25:06 PM): well that sucks!
Mcpimpbot (10:25:42 PM): yeah did your roommate tell you i called looking for you
Mcpimpbot (10:26:30 PM): during break
Mcpimpbot (10:26:31 PM): ???
Stage4Love (10:26:31 PM): yeah, but I didn't have your number up there, so I couldn't call you back. sorry!
Mcpimpbot (10:26:45 PM): ah well i should have given it to her
Mcpimpbot (10:26:49 PM): do you have it now???
Stage4Love (10:27:12 PM): *thinks about it* somewhere....though I'm not sure where.....
Stage4Love (10:30:11 PM): I'd call you from my cell phone, but I'm waiting for a call
Mcpimpbot (10:30:22 PM): i see
Mcpimpbot (10:30:43 PM): i thought i ment something to you or was i just being used :-[
Mcpimpbot (10:31:06 PM): well i mean if i am going to be used atleast use me TOTALLY if you know what i mean ;-)
Mcpimpbot (10:31:09 PM): just joking
Stage4Love (10:32:12 PM): *sigh* no....you were not being used. But 7 weeks is a long time...and I met someone...and...speak of the devil..brb!
Stage4Love (11:03:59 PM): *sigh* I'm sorry....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from Mcpimpbot (11:04:00 PM): I always seem to be to late with everything and life seems to keep going while i am in the dark!!! AHHHHH!!!! I am hanging myself right now and if you want to talk me out of it them call me



Yeah....it was kinda creepy.

But Ian and I talked for a long time...it was great. He's uber sweet. (not to mention gorgeous...hehe, jess met him) Yeah, but I told him the muffin joke, and he told me it was the worst joke ever, and that I had to have 5 good jokes to tell him by tomorrow when he calls me after my rehearsal. It also looks like he's coming down Saturday. ^_^ That's exciting.

He went to bed, and Michael was like, "you need to call me, please." So I did, cause I felt bad, and he tried to guilt trip me, but Ian begged me not to let that game work on me (I told Ian about everything) And I wouldn't let him get to me...and Kelli saved me. So now I'm here.

Yeah...I need to go...I gotta talk to people!

^_^
Current Mood: accomplished
8:19am: wooo - my first week of Great Books classes is cancelled. hahha!

4th January 2004

9:12pm: *throws an UBER hissy fit*

I -hate- guys.

Actually, I'm wrong.

Guys hate ME.


BHU!
Current Mood: bitchy

2nd January 2004

11:39am: 7 weeks.

What has happened in 7 weeks?

*I remembered that sometimes the best friends you can have don't have to always be around. TARA

*I saw Lord of the Rings so many times I'm the biggest geek ever.

*I had the best Christmas ever.

*I finally spoke what was really on my mind and didn't give a damn what people were going to do.

*I spent a lot of time on my own.

*I spent a lot of time with Caity and realized how much she is like I was when I was her age...

*I spent a lot of time with mom, who pulled out of me the girl she raised, not the one I've been trying to be.

*I finally learned how to control this disaster of a haircut.

*I didn't lose the weight I wanted to, but am ready to go to Dayton and get down to business.

*I realized that being a geek is just fine with me. It makes me happy, and that's all that matters.

*I've become a very neat and tidy person. I make my bed every morning. I rinse out the sink after I brush my teeth. I fold my clothes after I wear them or put them in the hamper.

*It takes me all of 3 minutes to clean my room now...cause it's normally just making my bed.

*I formed the "BHU" with Caity.

*I realized how much Jess and Kelli mean to me...and how much I've missed them.

*I realized that I've been a very big bitch...but that I don't care.

*I realized that I let myself be very distracted last quarter, and that this quarter needs to be all about SCHOOL and NINE.

*I'm in love with Viggo Mortensen....Heather can have Orli. ^_~

*I realized how much of an impact Heather has had on my life...even though we don't talk as much anymore.

*I realized that guys can be major assholes...but sometimes they don't mean to be.

*I realized I have a major passion for writing. I always knew I liked to write...but I've found this passion for it I can't explain.

*I realized that some people never leave high school....but that's not me.

*I realized I actually *gained* weight over break...but at least I don't deny it.

*I realized a good cover stick can go a long way.

*I realized how much I adore my nieces - but how much I still HATE children.

*I realized that my grandparents have gotten much older...and it makes me sad to see them start wandering.

*I've realized my family drives me insane. Not necessarily my parents...but everyone else.

*I've realized the holidays aren't what they used to be...and I don't know why.

*I've realized I'm sad Kelli's moving out, and worried at what I'm going to do next...I have to have a roommate - my parents need the income.

*I've realized that Ian could be a good thing for me...and he tries to stay in touch.

*I've realized Shannon might be a good thing for me...and I will see how things go when I get back to Dayton.

*I've realized that Dayton is quickly becoming "home."

*I've introduced my mother to the LotR - and she liked them a lot!

*My uncle announced Diana was his girlfriend - and that was really exciting.

*Uncle Mark is uberly sensitive.

*I realized that in the world that I live in, being strong is the only way I can be. And that strong to me doesn't mean denying what I feel and not letting those emotions come out, that strong means not letting the petty things get to me...things that might upset other people...just don't get to me.

*I've realized that being selfish isn't always a bad thing.

*I've realized my sister is the bravest person in the world and I love her.

*I've realized that I can't change the world I live in, and I need to stop trying.

*I've realized that I need to solve problems myself, not let others do it for me.

*I've realized that when I say I'm "independent" - that doesn't mean I'm not dependent on my parents, but that I don't need anyone else to define who I am.

*I've realized that those people who are jealous of what my parents have worked so hard for, and make me feel bad about it, are NOT the people I want around me.

*I've realized jealousy can destroy friendships - on so many levels.

*I've realized that I'm a shop-a-holic, and I've made a plan on what I need to do to stop.

*I've realized that having a bank-account over $500 is a nice thing!

*I've realized I want a job in Dayton...but I don't know what will work around my crazy schedule.

*I am going to miss it here in Wadsworth...but it's time to shift gears. I need to test everything I've learned. I need to see if it's actually sunk in. I need to see if I can uphold everything mom has taught me...

*And now...I must go and pack. For Dayton calls me home.
Current Mood: contemplative

1st January 2004

8:13pm: HEY!!!!


Guess what?!?!?

I'll be home Saturday! I got Friday and Saturday off work - so I'm heading back Saturday afternoon.


YAY!!!


See you all soon!!!

30th December 2003

11:23pm: Oohhh, Yeah, Oooh Huh
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
So I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change

That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
For everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won't let me live life
& Take the time to look at what is mine

I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
Keep on singing my song

I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I vowed to take was towards a better day

Cos I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
& All the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside

For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
I'm gonna keep on singing my song

Whoa, & everytime I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery, wasn't able to see
All the good around me
They wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe

I'm human, I ain't able to please
Everyone at the same time, so now I find
My peace of mind living one day at a time

I'm human and I answer to one god
It comes down to one love
Until I get to heave above I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what I'm gonna carry on & keep on singing my song.....

(They can't take anything from me)

I believe that they can do what they wanna.
Say what they wanna say

(They can say what they wanna)

But I'm gonna keep on
(Keep on )
I believe it
That they can take from me
But they can't take my inner peace
Current Mood: satisfied

29th December 2003

11:24pm: 1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Gotten so trashed I didn't remember what happened.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No and....no.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Jessica had Paige July 3. ^_^ She's a precious baby...

4. Did anyone close to you die? Angie...*sigh*...I though I saw her at the mall the other day, and I had to remind myself she was gone...

5. What countries did you visit? I don't believe I left the good ol' US of A...unless you count Texas. Twice. *wink*

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? MONEY!!!

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory? A few dates...one in March...one in June...one in November...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finishing my first year of college!

9. What was your biggest failure? Letting David slip from my fingers.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Dehydration, sprained ankles, and bruised ribs suck.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I dunno...

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jessica, my sister. I'm so proud of her. Two kids, a husband, and a college degree - she's on her way.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? David...and my own.

14. Where did most of your money go? I'm still trying to figure that out...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being cast in NINE, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

16. What song will always remind you of 2003? "Fighter" - singing it at the top of my lungs with Jeca.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Sadder. I was engaged and in love and thought life was perfect.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Stuck up for myself.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Letting people walk all over me.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With the fam.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003? Out of love...and into an infatuation...which only broke my heart.

23. How many one night stands? None that I can count...maybe one?

24. What was your favorite TV program? Good Morning Miami - before I lost cable!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Uhm...I don't think so.

26. What was the best book you read? The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? That I am not a belter...and should just STOP TRYING it! hehe

28. What did you want and get? A new car...the arwen pendant...the audio cds...uhm...yeah...everything?

29. What did you want and not get? Love

30. What was your favorite film of this year? C'mon people! RotK!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I do not remember...I turned 19 though.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having my engagement fall apart.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? Scrubbing for acting class...oh yeah.

34. What kept you sane? I'm sane?

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Viggo Mortensen. *falls over and then melts into a puddle of mandy-goo*

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I dunno...gay rights...the war...blah...

37. Who did you miss? Everyone I lost due to everything falling apart...

38. Who was the best new person you met? Oh jeez!!! Jeca, Bobby, Errik, Gary, Rachel, Erica, Shannon, James, Ian, anyone else I met that I still talk to!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you, and fuck what everyone else wants from you.
Current Mood: awake
10:15pm: *falls over laughing*

I forgot how good it is to have friends like that. Where you really haven't talked to them for months, and you can pick up right where you left off.

Tara - thank you for a wonderful night. And thank you for listening to me vent.

And thanks for Socker Boppers. Hehehe - we totally beat the crap outta each other! Gotta love it!

*giggles*
Current Mood: cheerful
1:13pm: Going out with Tara tonight! Yay! ^_^

*dances around cause I'm a horribly good mood, even though I'm sick*

Hmm... don't really have any plans for New Years - except Shannon coming up. *shrug* We'll probably just hang with my family - which could be all scary in itself. hehe

Saw RotK yet AGAIN yesterday. I went with my uncles - and it was rather fun. They make me laugh. U.C. was with Dianna, and they're soooo cute together! I hope she's the one for him, but I'm not going to get my hopes up - I don't wanna jinx it!

Oh man I'm sick. I slept from 7 to 9:15 last night, then from 12:30 to 6, and then from 7:15 to now. That's...hold on....like 15 hours or something. I never sleep that much!

Can I just say the soundtracks to LotR are soooo beautiful?! I'm dying over here!

My mom attempted to have an intelligent conversation with me at 6 this morning. Something about going back to Dayton. Who knows really. I'll have to ask her about it. haha - I was soo not functioning.

I can hear my niece running around upstairs. I'm soooo thankful I locked my doors! haha! I beat the system! ^_^

It really sucks that everybody is all down and out and you're the only one who's in a good mood. But I'm not gonna let it get to me, oh no! *dances around like a fool*

I got a 3 day break from work! Woooooo!

*makes mental note to call piano tuner when I get back to dayton*

RANDOM!

I cannot wait to start rehearsals for NINE - but holy crap - I can't find my script! That's -NOT- good!

*yawn* I'm still tired.

*dances off to take a shower and do my hair and make my bed and all that good stuff*
Current Mood: bouncy

28th December 2003

3:05pm: *dances around*

I loved the comments to my last journal entry. ^_~

The funny thing is, I'm not going to be the one hit hard with reality. This 7 weeks was one of the best things to happen to me. Did it suck? Of course. But I am more the person I want to be. I'm not going to try and be the person everyone else wants me to be. And if I'm a bitch now, I'm a bitch now. At least I admit it - and everyone else can get over it.

And thank you Tara, I love you dearly. I do not work tonight or Monday, but I work every other day next week before I leave for Dayton sunday. Call me at home or on my cell phone (if you don't know the numbers, e-mail me).

And Tara did have a point. Uhm...yeah - my house? My rules. I don't give a damn if I haven't been there in 7 weeks. I am sick of people disrespecting my house and my things because I'm not an "adult".

Also, the point of the entry was not to discourage the party - it was just to make sure that the house wasn't torn apart for poor Kelli. I have strict instructions from the landlord (aka MOM) about the condition the house is to be in when I return.

*dances around again*

I spent the evening with Caity again last night. Boy does that girl remind me of how I was when I was 15. But she'll pull through just fine. Just fine. I love her dearly, and I'm glad she is finding out who she is - though it is a long, hard, and dark road.

My road to finding who I am...I believe is reaching it's end. If anything, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in a long time, I looked in the mirror...and I was content. Happy? Not really. But I was not disgusted by who looked back at me from the glass. Because I knew there was a woman of strength behind the chubby cheeks, short hair, big boobs and un-toned body. Not only did I know she was there inside, but I could see her. Just look into my eyes...and she's there.

I'm there. Say hello.

Some kind of change has come over me. I don't feel the need to have a million people around me. I don't need a mass of friends to ensure that I feel good about myself. I need to trust myself. Having people around is nice, and I will continue that, but I do not need them. Well...save one.

Caity...my caity...I will always need her around. She is my strength, my will to go on, my....my light at the end of the tunnel.

She knows who I am. She sees it every time I'm with her. And she encourages me to bloom, to blossom into the rose I was meant to be. A rose with thorns...no one is perfect. But a rose that stands proud among the rest.

*is in a horribly creative mood right now*

My christmas was F'ing awesome, if anyone cares. The best yet - and probably the best ever. I got everything I asked for, and even things I didn't. And it wasn't even about the gifts. I walked up the stairs Christmas Eve, in a long, black, slinky dress with a pink rose on it and pink ribbon...and I felt good. The first thing out of my brother-in-law's mouth when he saw me?

"Wow, you look great, that's a beautiful dress."

*falls over*

I felt good. At church I sang, and it felt good.

"...put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be."

Put aside the wanderer, the one who hides from what you are meant to achieve. Achieve the greatness you are supposed to, and bring the world to its feet.

^_^

Wow...I feel so good right now. Thank you to whoever left those comments in my journal - they actually made me smile. Probably wasn't your intent...but that's what it did.

Alright...mom is home...along with Rachel. I gotta go be the good aunt.

^_^

...become who you were born to be.
Current Mood: creative

27th December 2003

10:26pm: Hey! What's up ya'll? lol

Hey, just so you know, this is not a bitchy post AT ALL - it's an information post.

I know Kelli and Jess are having a party at the condo for New Years. Wheee! Just a few requests/things to remember.

1) NO ONE is to touch the piano. In fact, Kelli, if you would, close the piano, and put that burgundy and green comforter over it. I'd prefer no one use the piano bench as a seat either.

2) Please stay out of my room!

3) Please try not to break anything. If anything is broken, unlike before, It MUST BE PAID FOR.

4) Please remember I will be back early Jan. 4. And if the house is not in immaculate condition (and I mean immaculate...like my mom's house) then I will be living by myself come spring quarter.




*reads over this post and realizes how bitchy I sound*

*shrug*

Have a great party! I'm sorry I'm missing it. But Shannon is going to drive up here to spend New Year's Eve with me. ^_^ yay!


Aaaaand, I'm off!
Current Mood: awake

25th December 2003

12:27am: Merry Christmas!!!

22nd December 2003

9:56pm: Caity: Having trouble with that shirt?
Mandy: Yeah....it's from like, 5th grade or something.
Caity: *laugh* *pause* *laugh*


*long pause*


Caity: Go get some clothes you poor mother trucker.



*laughing my "pannycake butt" off*

I love Caity!
Current Mood: silly
11:44am: *dances around about her userpic*
Viggo Mortenson is a hottie! An older hottie...but holy crap is he gorgeous.
*wink*
Oh! Heather, I'm gonna have an icon soon (once I get back to Dayton and can edit it on my comp) of Legolas & Aragorn. *melts from all the sexiness*
Hehehe...and I'm off!
Current Mood: cheerful

19th December 2003

2:03pm:
I can't imagine all the people that you know and the places that you go, when the lights are turned down low.
And I don't understand all the things you've seen.
But I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams.
It's always you in my big dreams.
And you tell me that it's over, that I can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover.
And you're restless, and I'm naked.
You gotta get out, you can't stand to see me shaking, no.
Could you let me go?
And you don't wanna be here in the future, so you see the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past.
And you don't wanna look much closer, cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sung into the sky by now had crashed.
And it did, because of me.
And then you bring me home, afraid to find out that you're alone, no.
And I'm sleeping in your living room.
We don't have much room to live.

And I had dreams that I would learn to play guitar, maybe cross the country, become a rock star.
And there was hope in me that I could take you there.
Damnit, you're so young, but I don't think I care.
And if I hurt you then I'm sorry.
It's just this guilt has got the best of me.
And then you'd bring me home, cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no.
And I'm dreaming in your living room.
We don't have much room to live.

Konstantine is coming down the stairs, doesn't she look good standing in her underwear?
And I've been thinking, but I've been thinking, no.
She's been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere.

Konstantine came walking down the stairs, and all that I could do is touch her long, blonde hair.
And I was thinking, what I was thinking, y'know, that we'd been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere.

This is because I can spell confusion with a 'k' - it's hard to like it.
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it.
It's to Jimmy Eat World, and those nights in my car but this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars.
I'm not your star.
Isn't that what you said, what you thought this song meant?
You thought this song meant...

If this is what it takes to lie in my mistakes and live with what I did to you and all the things I put you through.
I always catch the clock, it's eleven eleven, and now you want to talk.
It's not hard to dream, you'll always be my Konstantine.

They'll never hurt you like I do, no, they'll never hurt you like I do.
No, no no no no no no no
This is to a girl who got into my head with all these pretty things she did.
Hey, baby you know that you keep me up in bed.
It's to a girl who got into my head with all these fucked up things I did.
Hey maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed.
My Konstantine spinning around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen.

And I said, did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?

God, I miss you.

And then you bring me home and we'll go to sleep, but this time not alone, no no.
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh.
And you see though, that I've been missing in my living room, cause it's all you.
Yeah, this is what I've missed, what I missed.
We don't have much room.
I said does anybody really need that room?
Because we all need a little bit of room to live.

My Konstantine...



Epic songs are the best. *happy sighs*
Current Mood: contemplative
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